


Oh, Nostalgia

by spaceboykye



Series: How Jon Shepard Lost All of His F*cks [1]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Gen, Mass Effect 2, Pining, Post-Horizon (Mass Effect), Pre-Kaidan Alenko/Shepard, mostly platonic at this point, mshenko mentions, sad shep won't admit he's sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-17
Updated: 2016-10-28
Packaged: 2018-06-10 02:48:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6935803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spaceboykye/pseuds/spaceboykye
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Short fic in which Shepard calls for an old memory during a mission, but still can't face the fact that he misses a certain someone. <em>He has to keep a brave face. He has to.</em></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Them or the Galaxy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Every word's a new regret if you say it right._

"Kaidan!" the name forced itself out of Shepard's mouth as the other man fell to the floor.

They were in the middle of a fire-fight, Shepard and his two squadmates overwhelmed by the enemy force. The three had been informed that it wouldn't be a peaceful mission by any means, that they'd have to prepare to take down a few mechs -- but they were also told it was nothing they couldn't handle. Mechs were easy to deal with, even more so than geth; you just shoot them with disruptor ammo and they fall. The briefing was simple too. A human colony had been attacked by their own defence system, so Shepard was to bring a small team to rescue the colonists and take the synthetics out. Easier said than done.

About two hundred metres stood between them and the location of the distress signal; presumably the building the survivors were holed up in. Getting there was the problem though, as limited cover plus a seemingly endless stream of mechs were making things difficult. Granted, Shepard had been in worse situations than this before, but that didn't make anything that wasn't fighting Saren a breeze -- and for the first time in a while, he was struggling. The team was still managing to hold their position though. However, things went downhill from there.

Any mistake on the field can get you killed. A millisecond sometimes makes the difference between success and failure, life and death. It was so sudden. He was reloading his gun. A mech got too close. He popped out of cover for just a split second. He was greeted with a bullet straight to the abdomen.

"Kaidan!" the name forced itself out of Shepard's mouth as the other man fell to the floor. He quickly realised his mistake. 

Jacob. He meant Jacob. There was no Kaidan, not after Horizon. Staff Commander Alenko had made it very clear he wanted nothing to do with Cerberus, and in turn, nothing to do with Shepard. He wished he could swallow the name back down his throat before anyone could hear him yell it.

"Jacob!" Miranda sprinted between the lack of cover to reach the biotic, her speed almost matching that of the bullets being fired at them. She dropped to her knees beside him, inspecting the damage. "Are you alright? Can you stand?"

"I'm fine," Jacob replied, trying to push himself up, "But I - ah, fuck!" He fell back to the ground.

Shepard wasn't far. He was busy trying to keep the mechs off of the other two, however his firing had become lazy and his movements sluggish. The fatigue mixed with the shock of calling for an old memory took its toll on the soldier. He wasn't sure how much longer they could last like this. All of a sudden, his concentration had become misplaced. He tried not to think about his slip up, as each time he did, a wave of embarrassment flushed over him. It was hard though, when that gunshot was so similar to one which the Lieutenant - at the time - had taken. Taylor's fall to the ground brought him straight back to that moment.

"Shepard, we have to fall back!" Miranda shouted, putting pressure on Jacob's wound to stop the bleeding.

Jacob shook his head. "I'm fine, Commander! We'll keep going!" Shepard wasn't stupid, and he knew when a soldier was pushing it. They couldn't just continue, not with Jacob bleeding out on the rocky floor.

"Like hell you will! You've been shot, you need medical attention," Miranda argued. Jacob let out a pained groan, but shook his head once again.

"Can we radio Joker for backup?" he suggested, flinching as a rocket hit the cover in front of them.

"Shepard?" Miranda turned to the Commander for an answer. After a moment, he nodded, ordering her to watch their backs as he ducked behind cover. Red stained the hands she held her gun in.

"Commander Shepard to the Normandy; come in, Joker," he spoke through the comm, "We're requesting immediate backup for ground party. Come in, Joker!"

"Any luck?" Jacob asked sarcastically, holding onto his side.

"I can't get a reply," Shepard answered over the gunfire, but was lacking the usual energy in his voice, "There must be something here that's blocking communications." He didn't have much time to think about what that something was. It crossed his mind that the distress signal could be overpowering their link with the Normandy, though he was no tech expert and was probably completely off. However, if he was right, maybe they could get in there and alter the signal...

"That's it, we're going back to the shuttle," Miranda said as if it were an order. She ducked to reload her gun.

"We can't just abandon the colonists," Jacob stated quickly, "They'll die." He held his gun in his free hand, like he would jump up at any moment and start fighting again.

"Maybe, or maybe they're already dead." Her tone was blunt. "All I do know is that if we keep fighting these mechs then you'll have more than a gunshot wound to worry about."

"Then go on without me," he kept arguing, desperately reaching for another solution. "You two are strong enough to get through there, and I can watch your backs from here." 

"No, Jacob. We're not leaving you behind," Shepard spoke up. Leaving Jacob wasn't an option, and pushing forward wasn't a good idea. But like he said, they couldn't just abandon the colonists. "I'll go on my own." It made sense to him at the time.

"You'd take three steps out there and get a bullet through your head." Miranda instantly shut down that idea. "I didn't spend two years rebuilding you to watch you get killed by some lousy mech."

"We still can't leave them," Jacob stood his ground, so to speak. "It'd be as bad as going in there and shooting them ourselves." Miranda sighed, staying low behind cover. She was nearly out of ammo.

"It's not my place to make the call, but you know what I think. It's them or the galaxy, Shepard. If we die, that's what we're risking."

That made Shepard think. _Them or the galaxy._ It took a moment to realise what she meant. They could try to save those colonists, but if they died on the off chance that people would still be alive in there, who would be left to stop the collectors? Shepard dying... it would mean the Lazarus Project was a waste, and allying with Cerberus was pointless. It wasn't a choice he wanted to make, but was Miranda right? Would it be selfish or selfless to retreat?

"We'll... We'll go back. Miranda, you help Jacob up and I'll keep those mechs off of us."

"Commander-" Jacob glared up at him in surprise. 

"That's an order."

"...Aye, aye, sir."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the first fic of many for my jon shepard oc. also my first mass effect fic. aaaand my first ao3 upload (i'm still getting used to the tagging system). thought i'd just throw my guy out there into the mass effect fandom with a lil' pointless drabble. chapter 2 to come soon


	2. The Right Choice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Every wound can be forgotten in the right light._

"Jacob, I've got more medi-gel if you want-"

Almost in the exact moment that the shuttle had taken off, communications with the Normandy came back online. Shepard instantly informed Joker they were on their way back, eyes carefully watching his two squad mates sitting opposite him as the call came to an end. Jacob was sprawled out on the floor, back against the wall, Miranda insisting on tending to his wound whilst constantly offering to help in any way she could. Shepard smiled at the woman. It was almost funny; when he first met her, he thought Miranda was just cold-hearted and plain rude - yet moments like this reminded him not to judge people before he got to know them. She was quick on giving Jacob medi-gel to stop the bleeding, although it didn't entirely stop the pain. Still, Jacob refused any more care.

"Look, I'm fine, I've been shot before," he choked out, "I just need Chakwas to get this damn bullet out of me. Feels like it's on fire." That's the most he was likely to say about it. Jacob didn't complain when it came to injuries like this; he could lose an arm and call it a scratch. It reminded Shepard of himself in a way.

With Miranda eventually backing down, the room fell silent for a moment (besides from a few muffled, pained grunts from Jacob). These shuttle journeys were often short and quiet, though the level of conversation did differ depending on the company. Zaeed, for example, preferred conversation. He grew restless in the cramped space, so telling old stories of the incredible adventures he'd been on and the many people he'd killed distracted him. Garrus, however... Garrus surprised Shepard. Back in the days of the SR-1, the turian spoke quite a lot on missions, even with that - as Joker liked to say - stick up his ass. But now, conversation with Garrus was rare. They had a laugh when they did talk, but most of the time he had some kind of excuse not to; calibrations being his favourite of many. Sometimes Shepard missed being thrown out of the ship in the Mako with his old crew, even if he quite literally drove them upside down... on more than a few occasions.

"I have to admit," Miranda spoke suddenly, breaking the silence. "I'm glad you got shot."

Jacob glared up at her in obvious offence. "You're gonna have to explain what you mean by that."

"Well, we were all getting tired, Shepard had zoned out, and I was down to my last few thermal clips. If you hadn't been shot, we probably would've stubbornly continued and gotten ourselves killed in the process." Shepard looked out of the window at the planet getting smaller below them, pretending not to have registered what Miranda just said. She was right though, he had zoned out, and if he tried to say he didn't then he'd be as ignorant as the council. He told himself he wouldn't do it again, internally scolding himself for being so easily spooked.

"That's... not reassuring." And despite the pain, Jacob laughed. Or at least there was a hint of one.

As silence fell once again, Shepard's thoughts began to wander. Choices. Shepard didn't like to make choices, yet he was faced with them every day. They ranged from simple things like, "Should I have a shower when I just had one yesterday?" to deciding whether or not to sacrifice so many human lives in order to save the Destiny Ascension. He didn't like that choice, but the harder ones were becoming more of a daily occurrence in his life. The decision he made today, was it the right one? It probably wouldn't weigh on his conscience for long. After a few missions it would fade into nothing, the doubt replaced by other events that would all merge in the very back of his mind. The name of that colony wouldn't stand out to him, not like Eden Prime or Virmire. Not like Alchera, not like Horizon. Those places, he reacted faster to them than his own name, but they played at his ears in a different way. Clawed at them. Eden Prime, Alchera, and Horizon; not much of a choice there. Virmire, however, was a big one - and something he didn't speak about anymore. He did what he had to do, but why? And why were these things brushed off with that excuse, or a "You tried your best." Your best shouldn't get people killed.

"Shepard? Are you alright?" Miranda's voice snapped him back to the shuttle. It was only at this moment he realised his hands had somehow balled up into tight fists.

"Yeah. I'm just thinking."

"You know you made the right choice?" She looked at him with obvious concern. Shepard didn't like that look. The way her eyes softened and her brows furrowed slightly, it made him feel fragile under her gaze. No. He needed to get himself together. He wasn't fragile, he was N7 for God's sake! He couldn't have his crew viewing him as weak.

Shepard coughed, straightening up in his seat. "Yeah, I know. Them or the galaxy." There was no point in questioning things. That's not what a soldier does. Shepard knew he should let himself be human at times, but there's no room for questioning yourself when lives are at stake. Maybe he only held those standards to himself, but if doubt made him zone out like that, then he had to lock it all up and throw away the key.

*

Jacob stumbling into the med bay (with the help of both Lawson and Shepard) caught the attention of more than a few personnel. Before long, the entire crew was wondering what happened, gossip travelling faster than the ship itself. Shepard tried to ignore the stares though, and after making sure that Taylor was in Dr Chakwas' safe hands he set straight off to his cabin - avoiding Miranda and anyone else who tried to speak to him. There was this ringing noise that wouldn't go away, just playing in Shepard's head over and over again. He couldn't tell if it was an actual ringing or just this shrill metaphorical white noise in his mind - but one thing he knew for sure was that he needed to chill out as soon as possible.

Reaching the solitude of his own private quarters felt like heaven to Shepard as he stepped through those doors. The quiet like a very large weight off his shoulders, he found himself being able to think again. However, his brain and body were still playing catch-up with each other, aiding him in putting on clean clothes in the clumsiest manner possible. Once having changed, he finally sat down on his bed for a short minute's rest. This - he thought - people could never see him like this. Fingernails scratched at the Cerberus logo on his arm. He'd told Kaidan not long ago that he wasn't working for them, insisted it was just a temporary partnership for the sake of the human colonies, yet he went around advertising the organisation on his clothes like he was a teenager and Cerberus was his favourite band.

Kaidan. Damn it. There he was again. Why did he have to shout for Kaidan? The remains of the name were still fresh on Shepard's lips, and he cringed each time the call echoed in his mind. A loud frustrated groan escaped his mouth as he collapsed backwards on the bed.

"Shepard," a voice suddenly boomed out into the cabin. Instinctively Shepard jumped up, completely ready to defend himself from whatever threat there may be, when he realised it was just EDI. "It seems that your stress levels have increased significantly upon returning to the ship. Are you... alright?"

"I'm fine, EDI," he replied with a sigh, running a hand through his hair. He really wasn't in the mood to be interrogated by an AI. That minute of peace just wasn't going to happen, was it?

"Your tone indicates otherwise. Should I alert Doctor Chakwas of your condition?" The disembodied voice seemed softer than usual, and Shepard now began to wonder if EDI was capable of emotion. Was his own damn ship worrying about him?

"No, no, I'll be alright," he shook his head, "Thanks for asking." The room fell silent for a moment.

"Operative Taylor is still in the med bay. Perhaps you should visit him," EDI suggested in a way that somehow translated in Shepard's mind as "Get your sorry ass out of that cabin and go check on your crew."

"Yeah, I will. Thanks, EDI."

*

A familiar beeping played out from inside of the med bay, the sound regular and similar to that of a heartbeat. Shepard pressed his fingers to the digital green lock on the doors in front of him, a mechanical whooshing noise following as they opened. He stepped inside. The first thing he always noticed about the med bay was that the artificial light was bright, brighter than any other part of the ship. It reminded Shepard of the light in his room at that Cerberus base. The second thing he _usually_ noticed was Dr Chakwas, but she didn't seem to be there at that moment, so this time it was Jacob perched on the edge of a bed, a bandage wrapped round his torso and a certain hooded lady sitting on a chair by his side. He was facing away from the Commander, too involved in conversation to acknowledge the person who had just approached them. Kasumi, however, spotted him straight away.

"I'm going to go now," she smiled, standing up swiftly and gesturing towards Shepard. "It appears you have another visitor." Jacob furrowed his eyebrows, attempting to turn around.

"What? Who- Oh! Hey, Commander." He stiffly swung his legs over the other side of the bed. Kasumi sauntered past the Commander, giving him a small nod in his direction in both a greeting and a goodbye. He returned it, the exchange over in a brief second. Jacob averted his eyes back to Shepard as Kasumi left the room and the doors shut behind her. 

"You here to lecture me on how I shouldn't have gotten shot?" He crossed his arms over his chest, an eyebrow raised slightly with a millimetre of scepticism.

"You couldn't have prevented it." Shepard seemed almost offended by the assumption. "I'm just here to see how you're doing."

"Huh." Jacob's expression softened. "Thought you Alliance types didn't understand the whole concept of an accident."

Shepard moved to lean against the wall next to the bed. "Well, I'm not really Alliance anymore, am I?" he shrugged.

"Guess not, but you've made it clear before where your loyalties lie." Though it was said bluntly, Shepard knew that no malice was intended in the statement. The Commander lived and breathed the Alliance for a very long time in his life, he was bound to be loyal to them. Not even the Cerberus blood now running through his veins could change that.

"My loyalties lie with whoever can get the mission done," he replied, "Right now, that's Cerberus."

"You're not happy about it though." Shepard nodded in agreement. Jacob was right, there's no denying that. He was always quick to voice that his partnership with Cerberus wasn't a situation he wanted to be in, just one he had to be in.

"It doesn't matter. This is about more than reputations."

"Yeah, at least the crew ain't half bad." Jacob let out a sigh as he uncrossed his arms, covering the small patch of red on his bandage with one hand and leaning on the other. 

"Anyway, how are you holding up?" Shepard attempted to steer the conversation back to what it was originally intended to be.

"I'm fine, nothing I haven't dealt with before. The real question is, how are _you_ holding up?" Jacob asked. This took Shepard a bit by surprise. Why was Taylor asking him if he was alright? That didn't matter.

"I'm not the one who got shot," he evaded, trying to aim the focus back on Jacob. This was meant to be a check up on him; you know, the guy who took a bullet to the abdomen.

"Shepard, you know what I'm talking about," Jacob frowned, scratching lightly at his bandage. "It's hard to ignore your CO calling you by an old squad mate's name on the field."

Shit. Immediately Shepard felt a sinking feeling in his gut. It was an unrealistic expectation, but he was hoping Jacob and Miranda would just ignore what happened out there. This wasn't a conversation he wanted to have. He didn't even want to think about it himself.

"Slip of the tongue." Shepard's response was quick yet appeared calculated. "Won't happen again." All of a sudden he was almost machine-like in the way he spoke. It was as if he was just saying what he was supposed to say - what he was taught to say. Not what he really meant. Jacob paused, then opened his mouth to say something before closing it again. He hesitated a couple of times, but eventually spoke up. 

"Permission to speak freely, Commander?"

"You're my friend, Jacob. Permission to say whatever the hell you like."

"Miranda was right. After that you zoned out. I'm guessing it was because of him? Kaidan, I mean." There was that name again.

Shepard sighed, running a hand through his hair. "Maybe," he replied, "I can't lose focus again though. It won't be a problem." His words still sounded robotic. Programmed.

"With all due respect, Sir? Cut the soldier crap. I was there on Horizon and it wasn't exactly pretty," Jacob almost spat. He coughed, softening his voice once he heard how harsh he must've sounded. "You're allowed to miss people, you know."

"I know, but it's complicated, Jacob. Lieutenant Alenko and I... we went through a lot together, but - what happened happened. I can't let that get to me. I can't." Shepard didn't know who he was trying to convince at this point; Jacob or himself.

"Were you two... well, y'know - together?" Jacob inquired, which actually made Shepard laugh a little. Surprisingly, it wasn't the first time he'd been asked that. Many a nosey journalist had wanted to know if he was dating Liara or Tali or any other girl he'd been spotted with for even five minutes, but a shocking large amount of people had actually suggested that Kaidan could be the object of the Commander's affection. Either way, he'd always respond with the same thing; say their relationship was purely professional, nothing more. He thought Jacob deserved more of a truthful answer.

"We were friends. Close friends actually, after... after Ash's death. It's hard to lose a member of your team- well, a friend, like that. Neither of us handled it very well, so we relied on each other to get through it. I can understand why some people would think it was something more but... it wasn't like that." It wasn't like that at all, Shepard thought to himself.

"How did you make that choice?" Jacob queried. "If you don't mind me asking," he quickly added. Shepard paused, still wondering what the answer was himself. When other people had asked in the past, he would evade the question. Kaidan though, he told Kaidan it had to be one of them. He tried to tell himself the same thing.

"In that moment, I didn't make the decision. The words just sort of came out in an order to save him, I didn't have time to think. You can justify it by saying it made more sense; Kaidan was with the bomb and we needed to make sure it went off. You can compare their skill-sets; say that Kaidan was too powerful of a biotic to waste. But in the end, you can't compare their lives. It happened, and we both had to deal with it in our own way." His voice got quieter, taking on a tone of which Jacob had never heard from the Commander before. "She... she said I made the right choice."

"Damn, I... I'm sorry, Shepard. And he just threw that in your face? Turned you away for being with Cerberus?"

"Yeah, I know. I understand though, it's been a long time. For two years he thinks I'm dead and then I turn up saying I'm with Cerberus? No offence, but if I were him I think I'd react the same way, or maybe worse. But the thing is, people don't realise that it's been about maybe a week for me, you know? I've had to wake up and deal with my friend - my best friend, in fact - say to me that he can't trust me, hell, even say that he doesn't know me anymore."

"It's like a bad break up, huh?" Jacob joked, trying to lighten the mood.

"Heh, yeah, I suppose it is," Shepard smiled. "Hey, you ever thought about taking up therapy as your next profession?"

"Nah, don't think the doctor title suits me as much as soldier does." He paused for a moment. "Am I really the first person to get you to talk about these things?"

"Yeah, so this conversation is not leaving this room."

"Yes, Sir!" Jacob replied with a mock salute. Shepard let out a soft chuckle.

"Hey, I... I appreciate it though," he said awkwardly, never having being great at expressing emotion. "You're a good friend, Jacob."

"Glad I could be of service. Once this is all over, we gotta get some of the guys down to the Citadel- and I want a drink with my friend Jon, not Commander Shepard," Jacob suggested, extending his arm out for a handshake, "Sound good?"

Jon shook Jacob's hand with a smile. "Sounds good."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this might need a little editing but hey ho its finished. thanks for reading !


End file.
